I am puke
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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