she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
