I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
