the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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