I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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