Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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