You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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