Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
