that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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