if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
