i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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