can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
