i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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