So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
