the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
COCAINE IS GR8
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