My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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