Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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