Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
