Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
