insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
