Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
