Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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