I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My liver just had a heart attack.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
