Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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