you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
