I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Drake has all the answers
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
