It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
