Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
