Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
