Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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