So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
