last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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