I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
