yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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