I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
NoShamevember. You game?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
