I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Mom said you looked used
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
