the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
