She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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