i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
