The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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