My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
