mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
