When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
