the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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