is your mom at the bar?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
