hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Randomize
