worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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