i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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