New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
