Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Is it because I queefed?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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