Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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