yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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