Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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