Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
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