Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
