Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
